Its been 5 years since we broke up, 7 years since we dated, 8 years since we first met each other. You were my first everything…first boyfriend, first love, first guy I brought home to my family, first heartbreak, first person I went to a real concert with, first person to introduce me to my favorite bands (literally all of them), first person I drove in my car…and the list goes on.

We have had so many memories together both within our relationship and after. I remember having to sneak around to see each other…we would go get coffee at random times in the middle of the day, movies, bars, philly, four brand new concerts AFTER we broke up…LOL. The concert in Brooklyn and Philly are definitely two of the most memorable nights I’ve ever had. For those few hours at each concerts I felt like we were back in 2006, but adult version. We both had our share of dating different people- but we would still sneak off and confirm to each other that “maybe one day…”. 

After you, I felt like I became so selfish and single handedly destroyed every other relationship I’ve ever had. I never felt as comfortable with anyone as I did with you because you are a huge part of who I am. I still wear the necklace you gave me and I still have your sweatshirt. I hold on to these things not because I miss you but because they’re little things that have just become parts of me. I don’t want to be with you because you have your own family now and Sarah has nothing to do with this. I don’t regret anything I’ve ever done with my life because I see all my mistakes as learning experiences…but if I can just go back in time and would have given us another chance a few years ago I would do anything. Our break up was rediculous and we were young and handled it in ways we shouldn’t have. Even though our age was young I feel like what I felt was not. I still have never loved anyone the way I loved you. I don’t know if it was because you were my first or if it was something real. If I could talk to you one more time I would just want to know if you still think about me, if you are happy, and if you regret anything. I remember our last conversation in June…we made our promise. I hope you’ll always keep it because I know I will. 

I still remember where I was, what I had for dinner, and what I was wearing when I knew you were gone. Your death was my first real experience of heartache and sheer fear. I remember the weeks upon weeks of searching for any sign of you as much as an 11 year old could. I remember the look on my mothers face. It made it worse for me because she would never dare to let me know something was wrong. I won’t ever forget when we saw your name on a list of survivors on the Internet and when our whole family came together to try to find you, but never were found. Your death was one of the milestones in my life that has made me grow up. The event as a whole turned around a nation and went from chaos to unity. I love and miss you so much and a day has not gone by where you don’t cross my mind